Joke Time!

Bert asked Ernie if he wanted to go get some ice cream.

Ernie replied, "Sure-bert."

HAHAHAHA!

Yessssssssssssssss! Double Fist Pump!

I am no longer the owner of the dumb shit award. My dad has officially taken it over by flooding the spare room with 100 gallons of water. Needless to say momma wasn't to happy...but I'm thrilled to not be holding the title :)

Adventures in Laundry

So, I already know that when Nickos finds out that I posted this story he is going to have a fit, but yesterday I had asked him to move the white load into the dryer. Of course, I don't let him do the laundry because his idea of doing the laundry is throwing whites and blacks in the same load and I'm not ok with that, so I suck it up and do all the laundry because it's a waste of water for us each to do our own laundry. Anyway, back to the story at hand. So he asks me like he's never worked a dryer before "How do I turn it on?" and I respond "just put the clothes in and press start." So, I am getting ready to go to work and I go to the garage to get my work shirt out of the dryer. And there it is...still sitting there...sopping wet. Well shit, I have to be to work in 15 minutes so I call the OG and thank god my most favoritest manager is working and I tell him that Nick was supposed to start the dryer but he didn't quite make it that far and I as of right now will be a half hour late because I don't have a dry work shirt. So of course I tell Nickos that my shirt is still wet because he didn't start the dryer. And he tries to blame it on me that I didn't tell him he needed to press the button twice...all of the lights lit up so he thought it started...but wouldn't most people make sure the dryer started before they walked away? or is it just me?


...AND THEN...I go to get my workshirt out of the dryer (it's finally dry now...don't leave a man to do something a woman can do better :)..and lo and behold theres twenty-one crisp US dollars! HOLLA! I've hit the motherload...but we all know it came out of Nickos' pockets...so I struggled with the thought of keeping it since I do the laundry..but my guilt go the best of me because I love Nickos and I don't want to steal his money even though I warned him that I was keeping whatever I found in the washer/dryer...but $21 is a lot when you're poor. But he has officially been warned so next time I will be keeping it!

Why oh Why?

My boyfriend of the moment Jason Thompson has been replaced by some awful-actor on General Hospital. He played sexy Dr. Drake, I hope this is not permanent...I might have a breakdown.

Favorite Quote of the Evening

In reference to the shopping car sitting on the sidewalk in front of our house...

"Somebody needs to move that thing...we can't even rely on the hulligans anymore. You would think one hulligan would hop in it and another hulligan would push the first hulligan down the street." - Nickos

God I love my BF...he always makes me smile with his quirky comments :)

His bite is as bad as his bark...

Nickos and I were enjoying a very nice dinner at the SIL's house this evening and then Nickos decided to bite Jack. Yes, I suppose it was an accident but Jack was not to happy and it was rather hysterical the reaction he gave. After the attack happen Jack took a good minute to gradually turn his lower lip under and then decided to wail while everyone was laughing...poor boy...I decided this event would give me a good reason to post one of my favorite youtube videos...

Enjoy! It is quite the hillarious...



And I guess since we're watching really cute little kid videos I'm going to bore you with this one also..but he's flippin adorable when he gets stressed out...

Dumbshit Award

Over the past few years my family has created what is known as the dumbshit award. It is an award that is passed along each time someone in the family does something completely stupid and makes you wonder how we have managed to make it this far in life. Well in my time I have definitely held the award a few times. I got it once for leaving my license at home, driving to mapleton when finally realizing it, driving back home to get it because I was going to Seattle the next day and then the day I head to Seattle I realize out side of Portland that my drivers license is still sitting at home in Eugene. I also got it another time for putting dish soap not detergent dish soap in the dishwasher and there were bubbles coming out for days. My mother has had it for sending a dead chamelion through the washing machine and my dad has had it so many times we have officially lost track. Well as of lately my mother has had it for losing her paycheck and driving to Eugene for class even though class was canceled.

Well...shit...I officially took the dumbshit award from her, which she is rather happy about mind you. However, I must defend myself, it was half Nickos's fault. I came home from work today and decided before going over to the SIL's house that I should probably clean the room and do some laundry. Well I was sorting clothes and I'm usually EXTREMELY good about checking the BF's pockets because he is always leaving useless crap in there (to the point where I have decided that I am keeping whatever money I find in the pockets, hey, it's his fee for me doing the laundry...I suppose money ain't so useless). Anyway...I threw a pair of his shorts in the pile and though to myself "I should probably check his pockets I might find me a fat hundo that I can spend on myself...," but then I remembered that he only wore them to bed so there wasn't going to be anything in there to benefit me so I threw it into the washing machine....


dun dun dun...

So Slick hasn't been able to find his phone (I'm sure you all know where this is going but I couldn't quite figure out how to lead this story another direction so I'm going to finish it anyway)...us and the roommates have been looking up and down and here and there for that damn thing and no one can find it. We are trying to retrace steps to no avail and then Barnjammin mentions that he saw Slick grab it this morning and then I thought to myself....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. He was wearing those shorts this morning that are now offically sitting in the washing machine waiting ever so patiently to be put into the dryer......

....I quitely walk out to the garage and check the shorts pockets and of course....there is the phone...chillin....dead, apparently cell phones don't like to go swimming. We try to recessitate the phone...and instead of coming back to life it instead sounds like a really awful bagpipe player...


I am now the official proud co-owner of the dumshit award...I am still convinced slick is sharing it with me since he never checks his pockets....I must now set a family member up so they can take the dumb shit award back **Plan boiling in my skull...mwahahaha**

Credit Where Credit Is Due

I would like to write a quick muchas gracias to all of my guests as of last night. 99% of you were model restaurant customers and you made my evening rather enjoyable. More people should learn to be like you folks! Thank you for following my rules.

Your Verbal Tips Don't Buy Me Shoes...

As most of you know I sling pasta at your neighborhood Olive Garden, and I (and everyone else who works there) put up with a lot of unneccesary bullshit. So I am going to provide everyone with a free dining ettiquette course.

1) Standard tipping these days is 15-20%. NOT 10%! NOT 5%! NOT 0%! Yes, I do get paid minimum wage...but...and this is a BIG BUT..my wages are taxed due to the tips I HAVE to claim and since we are supposed to claim 100% of our tips and everyone knows standard tipping is 15-20% then the minute you tip me less than this I am officially paying to serve your fat ass!...so contrary to popular belief I don't make a stable minimum wage

2) Unlimited soup salad and breadsticks does not mean...
- come in with an old friend and park your ass in my booth and sit there for 3-4 hours...move it along...time is money...you sitting in my booth is taking up the times I could have other people sit there...therefore you are costing me money which means I can't afford that really cute summer dress I saw at the mall yesterday!
-run my ass off and leave me $1. NOT OK! The harder you work me the more money you should be giving me because you have now taken my attention away from the really cute guy sitting at my table who I was planning to flirt with a little to nail me a bigger tip...therefore I nominate you to make up for my loss of profit.
-contrary to popular belief ordering unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks is not "being easy..." you are actually making my job ten times more harder for a hundred times less money.

3) Just because I am a server does not mean I am an idiot. I probably even have a higher education than you and might be teaching your children someday...and...I...DO...REMEMBER...YOU...the disrespectful jerk...and I will not hesitate to fail your child. KARMA'S A BITCH! Please, Thank You's, and Sorrys are all necessary.

4) Just because you told me how great I was and even told my manager how wonderfully perfect of a human being I am that does not exempt you from leaving me a good tip. I already know I'm perfect. P.S. I will never get a raise from my employer...YOU ARE MY RAISE...so if you think I deserve a raise...don't tell me...show me.

5) The kitchen messed up your food...or you came in on a Saturday night and we're slammed so things are taking a little longer...I WILL bend over backwards to make sure everything is perfect which could include comping your meals or give you free dessert...sorry sir but some things are just completely out of my control, so please don't take it out on me, I will be honest when it's my mistake and will adjust your bill accordingly...I'M HUMAN, I'M NOT PERFECT, MISTAKES HAPPEN...be a little forgiving already!

Reasons you should be leaving a minimum of 20%:

1) You ran my ass off and made it so the service on my other tables was god awful.
2) You're child was a rude pain in the ass and you did absolutely nothing about.
3) You just paid for your whole meal (or a good portion of it) with a giftcard...which means (I know this is hard for people to comprehend so I am going to spell it out for you) YOU DIDN'T PAY ANYTHING FOR YOUR MEAL!!!!

Believe me, when you come in I do want to make it an enjoyable dining experience for you and 85% of the guests are absolutely fabulous to serve...but that 15% out there is making it hard for me to afford that trip to Costa Rica I have been saving up for...

So This is what bad weather does to me...

I have officially spent my crappy weathered Saturday becoming a full blown blogstalker. The sun must come out soon and save me from myself...

If I Could Be Famous

I have often pondered about being famous...and if I were famous what capacity would I want to be famous in? I know if I wanted to be a good person I would lie and say that I wanted to be famous for doing something good..that would be tight and all...but it wouldn't be a very interesting post now would it. So I have thought about the more selfish ways that I could be famous and have narrowed it down to a few different things to choose from. A movie actress, a tv actress, a musician, an artist, an author, and/or a model. I feel on the surface it would be very easy to to pick something like a musician or an artist, you know, a career in which I inspire people...but here is what I have come up with. I would like to be a soapstar. Yes, this officially means I have to come out of the closet about being a soap fan, and I do waste countless hours of my life watching soaps (thanks mom), but now that it's out there in the open lets discuss why this would be a good choice! My dream job actually has always been to be a victoria secret model...but...I like to eat and I'm much shorter than the average model...so now I'm shooting for a more realistic goal. So, back to being a soap star and the reasons I think everyone should aspire to be one...

1) You will always have a loyal fan base
2) You don't have to have any real acting talent
3) You can always find work because there are about 15 different soaps
4) You will be famous enough to your loyal fans but not overly famous to where the paparazzi is involved in your everyday life...you can actually have a semi-private life.

Don't get me wrong it would be cool to test the waters of being super big famous like a movie star...and of course I would feel good about myself if I was famous for helping other people and doing something good...but you gotta admit...being a soapstar would be kinda tight...right? Maybe it's just me...

I Need To Know...

Where terms like...

"a buttload" or...

"flip a bitch"

...originated from. What exactly is a buttload? And when I make a u-turn how exactly am a flipping a bitch?

If anyone could enlighten me on this and other like terms feel free to!

Bad Bad Leroy Brown-ies

So it has been brought to my attention that I am only aloud to make brownies twice a year. I decided to bake some brownies yesterday and the box told me that the recipe makes 20 brownies...24 hours later and the pan is gone. My mathematical equations show a correlation between the time I spend with Nick and my self control of sweets. Due to his lack of self control over sweets I have developed this same problem because if I don't eat any as soon as they are around I will not be eating any...ever, because he will have ingested them all. Therefore, I have decided that brownies are no longer an option in my household unless I am sharing them with the rest of the world because I have learned to share far too well with myself. I will however, continue to buy mint chocolate chip ice cream because that lasts at least a week, for some reason he stays out of that.

P.S. I will admit I probably ate 75 % of the pan...it was like a walk by eat...everytime I walked by the kitchen I had a sliver...5 slivers later and I'm two brownies deep. Damnations! Thank god for spin class!

Compulsive Online Shoppers

So I wasn't going to write about this when it first happened but when I went to bed last night I was thinking about the situtation and decided this would be a good post, and I know at least one person will appreciate this. So yesterday was any regular Monday, I spent the day babysitting my nephew (Cassadie I hope it's ok I call Jack my nephew :)), and we had a great day! Well, when Cassadie got home we were talking in the garage while Jack was ever so effectively sweeping the floor (mind you this kid is 13 months but he's determined to do what the big guys do). She opened the door to the house and saw that there was a package sitting there. I informed her that while outside playing the mailman said he had a package so I took it in. Of course it wasn't for Cassadie, it was for Brent. That is when we realized that our significant others have a thing for online shopping...
Ok, so now that you have the background to this story, I am going to attempt to shed some light on the innerworkings of my boyfriend. Nick strongly believes that Amazon.com is the greatest thing since sliced bread. As long as he is sitting around the house he has three constant things open in his internet browser: Fantasy Baseball (three leagues mind you), Amazon.com, and wikipedia. Now I will admit I do admire his thirst for knowledge, anything interesting he hears about he goes straight to wikipedia to find out more information. Anyway, thats besides the point of this entry. Back on track. The best part about Nick's online Amazon account is that it has a click to buy button...thats right...one right click on the darn mouse and your purchase is already on it's way to you...no questions asked...it will be there in 3-5 business days. In the last month it has been an online shopping extravaganza at our house. Just recently bought an XBOX 360, yes he actually traveled to the store to buy this, this was not one of the many online purchases. Since then he has managed to click that button and purchase a second controller, Tiger Woods Golf '08, a headset, a 20 GB memory card, a new computer cord, Fuzion Frenzy, and as of last night...muscle milk...MUSCLE MILK!!!! You know that powdery business that you stick into fattening milk shakes to help convince yourself that you are going to turn into Barry Bonds overnight after lifting the bench press for 3 reps of 8! Now granted...I am a shopper...not gonna lie...but I am what I like to call myself a predictable shopper. If I come home from the store and I say "Babe guess what I bought today," it's going to be one of three things: Clothes, shoes, or books...end of story. It's like Christmas for me everday when a new package arrives for Nick because I never know what it's going to be.
The kicker to all of this online shopping nonsense, is that it is like pulling teeth for me to get Nick to buy some new clothes. And I'm not even saying expensive ones...just some new shirts to replace is faded holy ones, or a nice pair of pants for dressier occasions. He thinks $20 is too much for a pair of jeans, but is already thinking about buying a long board for $50 (granted that is a good deal for a long board and there will be no shipping and handling on this purchase). I WISH I could find a nice pair of jeans for $20.
Anyway, my point to this long post is Cassadie I think my Muscle Milk trumps your laminated poster of northwest salmon...but maybe not, at least mine is edible and will be gone in a matter of weeks you will forever be staring at fish :)!